It’s been almost 10 years since I packed up all my things and left the smallish suburban/farming community I grew up in for the small Bible College in the biggest City I’ve ever lived in. I married my hunk my 5th year of college (yes it took me an extra year, I transfered) and apart from visits have never been back to my hometown. All that changed two months ago the week of my Red-Haired Girl’s first birthday.
I moved “home”.
It’s been different–everything is the same but everything has changed. I left here a young girl just starting out in the world and I now return a woman, married with children. It’s strange. I’m not sure how I fit in here anymore. Do I find new friends who share my beliefs and ideas about life now or do I try to rekindle friendships with those I knew before?
How do I relate with my family? I’m no longer the visitor, in town for the weekend or holiday. I live here now, and I’m not sure how to fit in anymore. All the rules have changed and no one has given me the revised rule book.
We’re living in my Dad’s house, with my 20-year old sister. We don’t really have a place, all of our stuff is in a storage garage 200 miles away, and I don’t know, I guess I feel sort of displaced. I feel like I want to make this our home, but I can’t because it’s not our home, it’s not our stuff. I’m constantly making sure the kids aren’t messing up anything and feel like I can never relax, or let them relax and just be their funny little kid selves.
The Blue-Eyed boy is regressing. He’s wetting his pants for the first time in months. He’s hitting and biting and kicking and acting like a baby. I feel lost sometimes. What am I doing wrong? I’m not sure, I have some ideas but nothing concrete. I think it’s probably a combination of living here and the attention his sister gets for just being a baby. I feel like I’m too hard on him all the time, and all I do is tell him don’t do this, don’t do that. don’t don’t don’t. I’m like a broken record.
I know I sound depressed this morning, and maybe I am. I have every right to be–our life has been turned upside down. But just because I have the right doesn’t mean I want to be. I have every right to run around the yard in my underwear, but that doesn’t mean I want to. There are good things about living here. We’re living rent free, only paying utilities. We’re a short 10 minute walk to the beach, and I’m getting an awesome tan for the first time in my life (well as tan as a fair-skinned, red-haired, Polish-Irish girl who lives in Michigan can)! But today I needed to talk about the rough side. Maybe then I can move on. Maybe then I can stop feeling so damn sorry for us and just be content with what we have now. Maybe I could be happy again, or “fix” my son. So I could feel like doing more than checking out and watching T.V. all day. I could be a better wife and mother.
We do have so much, so many blessings.
I just can’t see it right now. And that scares me.