Banana Peel

It’s what’s inside that matters…

Coming “Home” July 12, 2009

It’s been almost 10 years since I packed up all my things and left the smallish suburban/farming community I grew up in for the small Bible College in the biggest City I’ve ever lived in. I married my hunk my 5th year of college (yes it took me an extra year, I transfered) and apart from visits have never been back to my hometown. All that changed two months ago the week of my Red-Haired Girl’s first birthday.

I moved “home”.

It’s been different–everything is the same but everything has changed. I left here a young girl just starting out in the world and I now return a woman, married with children. It’s strange. I’m not sure how I fit in here anymore. Do I find new friends who share my beliefs and ideas about life now or do I try to rekindle friendships with those I knew before?

How do I relate with my family? I’m no longer the visitor, in town for the weekend or holiday. I live here now, and I’m not sure how to fit in anymore. All the rules have changed and no one has given me the revised rule book.

We’re living in my Dad’s house, with my 20-year old sister. We don’t really have a place, all of our stuff is in a storage garage 200 miles away, and I don’t know, I guess I feel sort of displaced. I feel like I want to make this our home, but I can’t because it’s not our home, it’s not our stuff. I’m constantly making sure the kids aren’t messing up anything and feel like I can never relax, or let them relax and just be their funny little kid selves.

The Blue-Eyed boy is regressing. He’s wetting his pants for the first time in months. He’s hitting and biting and kicking and acting like a baby. I feel lost sometimes. What am I doing wrong? I’m not sure, I have some ideas but nothing concrete. I think it’s probably a combination of living here and the attention his sister gets for just being a baby. I feel like I’m too hard on him all the time, and all I do is tell him don’t do this, don’t do that. don’t don’t don’t. I’m like a broken record.

I know I sound depressed this morning, and maybe I am. I have every right to be–our life has been turned upside down. But just because I have the right doesn’t mean I want to be. I have every right to run around the yard in my underwear, but that doesn’t mean I want to. There are good things about living here. We’re living rent free, only paying utilities. We’re a short 10 minute walk to the beach, and I’m getting an awesome tan for the first time in my life (well as tan as a fair-skinned, red-haired, Polish-Irish girl who lives in Michigan can)! But today I needed to talk about the rough side. Maybe then I can move on. Maybe then I can stop feeling so damn sorry for us and just be content with what we have now. Maybe I could be happy again, or “fix” my son. So I could feel like doing more than checking out and watching T.V. all day. I could be a better wife and mother.

We do have so much, so many blessings.

I just can’t see it right now. And that scares me.

my siggy


One Response to “Coming “Home””

  1. Lu Says:

    Ah, sweet Jess. I miss reading your blog when you don’t post and lately, when you do post my heart breaks that you are experiencing the hard side of life at such a young age. I’m not sure why some families just seem to breeze through life while others face hardship. My mother would say What Lesson is God Trying to Teach You? I don’t believe that God is a God that teaches us lessons through our negative ongoing experiences. God does love us but it’s hard to feel that sometimes. Sometimes it feels like He is not there (where ARE you God?). People would say that’s because we move away. That may be true. And maybe I don’t have enough faith. I DO believe but I wish that my earthly life could be easier sometimes. I had to move back to my parents house when we first moved back to GR. I know EXACTLY what you are feeling. It IS different, because YOU are different. It’s not bad. Just different. Kids do react to moving a lot (we did it often when Lindsay was a toddler). He’ll go back to being the sweet blue eyed boy you know and love. It’s just hard and long in the meantime sometimes. It sounds like you feel all alone and the unknown is overwhelming. This stop is temporary in your family’s life. It may last months or it may last years–it’s temporary. Cling to your husband. Don’t pull away from him. Sometimes when you are in survival mode you both are trying to survive and you forget about each other. Still take date nights. It doesn’t need to cost a dime. Continue your quality time with your kids. You are investing in your family for the future. You just have some unpleasant outside complexities right now. Keep your faith because none of us can make it without our faith–what’s the alternative (a not so pleasant thought or solution). It’s really, really hard to watch people you love grow through hardship (yes, I mean grow). My heart aches. But it is what it is right now. You may have doubts, you may feel like you are not a good mom right now, but you ARE strong, you ARE a good mom, and you have a VERY good head on shoulders. (You are woman, hear you ROAR!) : ) I love you girlfriend and wish I could take your pain away. Please continue to reach out to others, whether through the blog or conversations. Feel FREE to vent to me ANYTIME. And I mean anytime. Don’t become isolated and indifferent (also known as depression). Just concentrate on making it through TODAY. Tomorrow will come soon enough. Peace my friend.

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