We got the news today. And I’m not sure how I feel about it. I wrote it on the calendar, ah my beloved calendar. I thought about not writing it on there. Maybe if I didn’t then it wouldn’t be real. It wouldn’t actually be the end. I wouldn’t have to mar my beautiful calendar with such depressing news. I wouldn’t have to worry about how we will pay our bills. I wouldn’t have to worry about where we are going to live. I wouldn’t have to worry. Life could just go on. We’d be happy and content in this house (even if it is too small and crappy). We would have bellies full of good food. I wouldn’t watch my children play in their happy oblivious ways and wish with all my heart I could give them more, but feel oh so thankful that they are too little to remember or even comprehend how poor we are.
But I had to write it on the calendar, it can’t be ignored. March 8th. The last day. The store closing. 10 days from now my Hunk is done at Circuit City.
March 8th the Muskegon Michigan Circuit City store is no more. 5 days before we are kicked out of this house. What. a. week.
I’m slightly terrified at the prospect of my husband being out of work. But at the same time I am so full of relief that he doesn’t have to go to that hell-hole anymore that I could dance a jig. I asked him how he was feeling and he said “ready to be done”. Ready or not, we are done.
There is a day care by our home that puts interesting bits of wit on it’s sign (unlike the church right down the street that just puts stupid things, but that’s a different story for another day). A while ago it said “Panic Productively”. I love that! I decided right then and there that I would adopt that as my new motto in this season of uncertainty.
I have been panicking productively for the past month or so. I got our taxes out of the way as quickly as I could. I then used our tax refunds and paid off three of our biggest debts to reduce our monthly payments and still have enough money saved that we could live off of it for 2 months (The Hunk also gets a staying on bonus which will extend our savings to 3 or 4 months worth of living expenses, but we have no idea when he will get it, so I’m not banking on it). We have some wonderful friends who are going to let us move into their basement. There is only one snafoo with that: they have three cats. I’m TERRIBLY allergic to cats. I don’t even have to touch them and I turn into a mass of red, itchy, water eyes, with a sneezy itchy nose and throat. So now we are trying to find out if I can take Claritin or Allegra or something. (If anyone knows if there is an allergy medicine that is safe to take while nursing a baby please let me in on the secret!)
All in all we’re okay. We have enough money saved up that we should be fine until the Hunk starts getting unemployment. We have somewhere to live. I really don’t have that much to worry about. It’s just the big unknown “where to now?”. I wish the good Lord would let us in on the secret. Not even the whole thing. Just a glimse, a flash, a small revelation of what is to come. Will we be okay? Yes. I know this because He is there. He is here. Even though He doesn’t let us know the future He will walk along with us and take us through the unknown. And believe me that knowledge is all that keeps me from pulling my children to my chest as tight as I can and crying out “why us?”. Instead I cling to my Maker, my friend, my Savior. And the peace that passes all understanding comes soflty and slowly and quietly into my heart.
I read a wonderful quote today and I am going to end with that:
I will have nothing to do with a God who cares only occasionally. I need a God who is with us always, everywhere, in the deepest depths as well as the highest heights. It is when things go wrong, when good things do not happen, when our prayers seem to have been lost, that God is most present. We do not need the sheltering wings when things go smoothly. We are closest to God in the darkness, stumbling along blindly. ~Two-Part Invention by Madeleine L’Engle