Coming “Home”
Posted by: Jessica Lynn on: July 12, 2009
It’s been almost 10 years since I packed up all my things and left the smallish suburban/farming community I grew up in for the small Bible College in the biggest City I’ve ever lived in. I married my hunk my 5th year of college (yes it took me an extra year, I transfered) and apart from visits have never been back to my hometown. All that changed two months ago the week of my Red-Haired Girl’s first birthday.
I moved “home”.
It’s been different–everything is the same but everything has changed. I left here a young girl just starting out in the world and I now return a woman, married with children. It’s strange. I’m not sure how I fit in here anymore. Do I find new friends who share my beliefs and ideas about life now or do I try to rekindle friendships with those I knew before?
How do I relate with my family? I’m no longer the visitor, in town for the weekend or holiday. I live here now, and I’m not sure how to fit in anymore. All the rules have changed and no one has given me the revised rule book.
We’re living in my Dad’s house, with my 20-year old sister. We don’t really have a place, all of our stuff is in a storage garage 200 miles away, and I don’t know, I guess I feel sort of displaced. I feel like I want to make this our home, but I can’t because it’s not our home, it’s not our stuff. I’m constantly making sure the kids aren’t messing up anything and feel like I can never relax, or let them relax and just be their funny little kid selves.
The Blue-Eyed boy is regressing. He’s wetting his pants for the first time in months. He’s hitting and biting and kicking and acting like a baby. I feel lost sometimes. What am I doing wrong? I’m not sure, I have some ideas but nothing concrete. I think it’s probably a combination of living here and the attention his sister gets for just being a baby. I feel like I’m too hard on him all the time, and all I do is tell him don’t do this, don’t do that. don’t don’t don’t. I’m like a broken record.
I know I sound depressed this morning, and maybe I am. I have every right to be–our life has been turned upside down. But just because I have the right doesn’t mean I want to be. I have every right to run around the yard in my underwear, but that doesn’t mean I want to. There are good things about living here. We’re living rent free, only paying utilities. We’re a short 10 minute walk to the beach, and I’m getting an awesome tan for the first time in my life (well as tan as a fair-skinned, red-haired, Polish-Irish girl who lives in Michigan can)! But today I needed to talk about the rough side. Maybe then I can move on. Maybe then I can stop feeling so damn sorry for us and just be content with what we have now. Maybe I could be happy again, or “fix” my son. So I could feel like doing more than checking out and watching T.V. all day. I could be a better wife and mother.
We do have so much, so many blessings.
I just can’t see it right now. And that scares me.
Returning
Posted by: Jessica Lynn on: July 11, 2009
- In: Change
- 2 Comments
The past few months have been pretty crazy. I’m still reeling from all that has transpired in our lives in such a short time. I’m not sure that I could even coherently explain all that has happened, and I’m not sure I want to try to tell all of it. Not yet anyways. I’m still trying to figure out all my feelings for myself, let alone to share with anyone (that is if anyone still reads my blog? I know, I know it’s been a long time). But I’m sure in time it will come. For now you all will have to be content with the little bits and pieces I’m ready to talk about.
My hiatus (is that the right word? I don’t know, but lets go with it) from the Internet has enabled me to think about blogging a bit. Not in the IhavesomethingtosayanditsucksthatIcan’t way, but in a more whytheheckdoIhaveablog way. I have had a lot of time to explore my motives behind starting a blog and whether I still feel the same way. I think originally I started a blog because it was the thing to do (yes if everyone was jumping off a bridge I would too) so I plunged in. I had dreams of thousands of readers and aspirations of actually being “popular” for the first time EVER.
It sounds foolish to me (and probably you too) now. I don’t have any of those same thoughts anymore. I guess maybe I grew up over the almost three years (has it been that long?) I’ve had a blog. My blog is for me. It’s my place to write down my thoughts, and if people want to stop by and listen in on those thoughts-go right ahead. But I’m not going to be trying to get you here. I’m over fame (now if only I could get over fourtune).
All this is not to say that anything is going to change around here. The change is in me, and me alone.
Because my fingers just won’t stay still…
Posted by: Jessica Lynn on: May 8, 2009
Whilst (Isn’t that a fun word! I’m feeling all whimsical) wandering through the fabric store I found this beautiful lavender-colored yarn. I just wanted longed desperately needed had to buy it ( I am a yarnaholic you know), after all it was on sale (oh the things we tell ourselves to enable our addictions!). It’s also SUPER DUPER soft, and made of bamboo (Yay! Go environment, go!).
That was two months ago.
This beautiful yarn has sat in my yarn tub (oh yes, a tub, I do have that much–you can ask my Hunk how much the yarn craze drives him bonkers, he won’t hold back. He loves me that much) waiting for me to decide what to use it for.
Well, I’ve finally found the perfect project. I’m not going to tell you what it is. However, you can guess as I go along and then see how cute it is at the end (sneaky, but fun– I hope!)
You’re one hint (besides the picture, duh): It’s for my beautiful little Red-Haired Girl who looks amazing in lavender!
Week One
P.S. I couldn’t get my camera to get the color right. I don’t know what it’s problem was (darn electronics!), I was using natural lighting and everything! Trust me it’s a beautiful, no-mistaking-it lavender. Not blue.
and P.P.S. I know I said this is week one but I actually just started it yesterday, but whatever. I’ll have a whole lot more to show next week!
Stay tuned next week for a little bit more!
7 little updates jumping on the bed…….
Posted by: Jessica Lynn on: May 7, 2009
1. The Blue-Eyed Boy did indeed wear the sweater vest (after only about 10 minutes of negotiating him into it–oh I felt the love).
2. My Red-Haired Girl has been walking for a month now (sorry so late on telling ya’ll).
3. The Hunk got a job–he started yesterday. Praise the Lord!
4. We are hunting for a new place to live, in Grand Rapids. If you don’t know that is an hour from here. But that’s where the job is. I’m actually quite happy to be going back to the city.
5. Our next place needs a lot of windows. I mean a TON. Oh how I miss the sunshine.
6. The Hunk got a flat tire on the way to his second day of work.
7. I chopped all my hair off. It was past time for a change.
All in all, even with it’s unpleasantness —life is good.
The sweater vest.
Posted by: Jessica Lynn on: April 24, 2009
- In: Crafts
- 6 Comments
So you know how I was knitting a sweater vest for the Blue-Eyed Boy? And I spent all that time lovingly knitting it for like forever a month so he could wear it for Easter Sunday?
Do you also remember from my last post how we were all so sick? If you add two and two together—we missed Easter. Which means he didn’t get to wear his vest. Oh and we were still sick last Sunday which means we didn’t go to Church, so try number two didn’t work out either.
My cute little sweater vest is still where it’s been for the last three weeks-just hanging out in the closet. Hanging there, patiently waiting for my handsome little man to wear it. To say I’ve been bummed about it is an understatement.
It seems like the sickness has left us for now however, so knock-on-wood he should be able to wear it this Sunday.Third times the charm right?
and now the promised pictures……drum roll please….
Front
Back
I think it turned out good. I’m not so happy about the arm hole ribbing, but hey you live and learn. The next one will be better.
As I’m reading back through this post, holy crap it’s boring. Sorry, but hope you all made it through (If not don’t worry, I won’t ever know)! Maybe the pictures helped some? Maybe not.
what you said: